I was in my late twenties when I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD.) I would count things in sixes, because six is my favourite number. So it started off where I would count six men, six women, six cars, six lamposts etc. then it became more complicated. I would count six white number plates, then six yellow ones, six blue cars and so on. I used to love to stand at a particular train station where I lived because everything was so symmetrical and neat. I would stand there and count for ages until my train arrived. I did this obsessively – every spare moment I had, I was counting. Once I had counted, I felt a little relief but then felt an immediate anxiousness to start another set. If I had counted 3 yellow number plates, I would have to hang around until I completed the six. If I couldn’t find the other 3 I would get really anxious. Sometimes, I would be lenient on myself and allow myself to pick up the following day but I would always have to breakeven/reach an equalibrium. I couldn’t just let it go. It had to be finished/completed.
This process went on for years, its started of softly and then got aggressive and eventually took over my life. I was exhausted everyday. My mind had lost control. I felt like I was slowly going insane. It wore me down and sucked the life out of me. I was embarrassed of what I had become. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.
Then I had a reading with Sue Ellam and asked her about it. She told me that it stemmed from a point in my life where I had lost control. She told me it began within a five year period and gave me the dates of my then age and told me to go away and write down everything I remembered about that 5 year period. I had to look out for a point where I lost control. So I went home and got writing.
I found two memories that summed up me loosing control. One was when I was 8, we moved from Leeds to London and my whole life changed. I was bullied at my new school because of the strong northern accent I had. I didn’t feel I fitted in. The other was when I was about 5, my Mum made sure that my older brother and sister and I all went to school together. We had to go and come back together and she would be very cross if we didn’t come back together. My brother taunted me all the way there and all the way back with various methods as kids do. I remember one incident where there was a field of long grass we had to walk through to get to school. I was little and the grass was much taller than me – I couldn’t see above it. My brother and sister would run off and leave me. I didn’t know where home was. I was lost and alone. I would first be ok and then I would start to panic. I would shout for them and cry and scream until I felt like my lungs were going to burst. It was only after what seemed to be a lifetime, that they would eventually come and get me. But prior to that, I felt despair.
Both of these incidents had a major impact on my life and made me loose control.
So I told myself that that was me then, this is me now. I am not that vulnerable little girl anymore. I am an empowered woman. I acknowledged that it happened, forgave those who contributed to my loosing of control and let both issues go into this air. I set them free. I set myself free.
It didn’t happen straight away but I started to count less and less. The weeks and months passed and one day I found that I wasn’t doing it anymore. I was free, liberated. My mind was my own again.
I know I keep banging on about it but there is a solution out there for everyone. You have work towards it.
I CREATED IT AND I BEAT IT